Jokes and stuff

Here are some things that I'm collecting together that made me smile. For the moment I'll just tack them all together, but if they get good I'll reorganize them.

  1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
  2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa, and vice-versa.
  3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
  4. When someone says "Have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
  5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
  6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
  7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
  8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
  9. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
  10. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
  11. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
  12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
  13. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's husband/wife.
  14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
  15. Drive to work in reverse.
  16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
  17. Tell your boss to "blow it out your mule", and let him figure it out.
  18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
  19. Polish your car with earwax.
  20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
  21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
  22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
  23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
  24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
  25. Make a language up and ask people for directions in it.

Five Questions Feared by Men

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.,tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
  1. Baseball.
  2. Football.
  3. How fat you are.
  4. How much prettier she is than you.
  5. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
  1. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
  2. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
  3. That depends on what you mean by love.
  4. Does it matter?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
  1. Compared to what?
  2. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
  3. A little extra weight looks good on you.
  4. I've seen fatter.
  5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
  1. Yes, but you have a better personality
  2. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
  3. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
  4. Define pretty
  5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines: 
 
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: ( makes audible groan )
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace
them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: shit